Dating is hard enough without letting breath get in the way. Zombie dating is no exception, the cold hard fact is that zombie loving takes away the awkwardness of a beating heart and replaces it with the sweet kindness that they are most likely to be beheaded by angry mobs in the morning. The ultimate one-night-stand. No more worrying about bad breath, evil hair days or if your ass looks big in those jeans, being a zombie can work for you! The Zombie Dating Guide is your one-stop shopping experience to a brighter, more fleshed out YOU.

We realize that attentiveness isn’t a strong point at this point in the game. Perhaps you’ve lost someone close to you, maybe you’ve already eaten them yourself, but with The Zombie Dating Guide, you too are able to move past the pain of a broken or missing heart and dive into the new world of romance that awaits.

Welcome to the new and improved you, say hello to the fresh new world of opportunity and love that is hiding right beyond the bend. Dumpsters aren’t only for garbage you know, it’s an opportunity to meet a special someone who shares your love of limbs and braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainz.

So what makes zombies so darn irresistible? Total lack of commitment on one hand and on the other, the ability to go ape-shit on a first date. Really, whom are you trying to impress? The Zombie Dating Guide will help you to focus on what you need to improve on for the right person to enter your life before they're eaten by stray dogs or how to find that Mr. Right Now for an evening out on the town terrorizing neighborhoods. Time waits for no zombie; let us get to it!

This week's tips:

  • Writing a poem for your new date may seem romantic until you rhyme trains with braaaainz. Just sends the wrong message.
  • It's giving the little things that add up to romance. Like your gall bladder. Save that for an extra special occasion.
  • While ear nibbling may be romantic, a detached lobe can be disconcerting. Spackle first. #goforthetoes
  • Nothing says romance like a night full of delicious goo-filled treats. Stock up on eyeballs before your date comes over.
  • Playing "Pull my finger" is a great way for the Undead to pop the question. Of course, she gets to keep the finger.

Thank you to NPR's Tell Me More program for choosing one of my haikus for their National Poetry Month selections on April 17, 2012. If you miss the program, click here to hear the excerpt and my stellar recording voice.