Zombie Dating Column by Undead Fred

Question:

Dear Undead Fred,

When telling someone you want to keep a piece of them close to your for during those times apart...is it better to take their ear or a different body part?

Signed – I’m watching you from outside your window and don’t you look pretty?

Answer:

Dear Stalker, 

Thank you for the compliment let me just close my blinds now for a minute.  Now, back to the answer. The fun part of being a Zombie is the ability to send a little something to your loved ones. It can be up to you which part would mean the most: an eyeball, fingertip or part of your clavicle but it may mean more to them if you let them choose. After all, when traveling life’s lonely highways, you need to pack light. I would suggest an extra thumb if they are hitchhiking, it is a thoughtful gift and one that keeps on giving.

Love and kisses, Undead Fred

Question:

Dear Undead Fred,

My girlfriend is on the fragrant side of decomposition now, how do I tell her she needs to freshen up without her getting all “Zombie rage” on me?

Signed – Scared stupid over scent

Answer: 

Dear Stupid,

It’s obvious that her nose has fallen off long ago, otherwise she would have noticed.  Be a good boyfriend and buy a case of those small pine scented trees to hang inside her ribcage as a subtle yet sexy suggestion. Don’t let her eat them, however, if the cardboard gets caught in her throat before digestion she will fart pine freshness all day.

Love and kisses, Undead Fred

Question:

Dear Undead Fred,

There is a boy in my class who keeps giving me the eye.  I am not interested in him, how can I stop him from leaving it on my desk every fourth period?

Signed – Squicked out in School

Answer: 

Dear Stuck up Girl in the third row.  Yes, you with the blonde hair with the head that rolls to the side due to snapped tendons in volleyball. Er. That is to say, why not give the guy a chance? I mean, he is a nice enough fellow, smart, handsome, charming and a snappy dresser. I bet you would grow to like him if you gave him a chance and didn’t throw his eyeball against the wall or roll it along the floor where it picks up pencil shavings and dog crap from someone’s shoe, only to be shoved back in his gaping eye socket later. Maybe even you would go to his place and see the display he has set up in the basement to you, I bet you would appreciate him then, right? RIGHT?

Love love love and sloppy kisses, Undead Fred

Question:

Dear Undead Fred,

I’ve been dating a great Zombie for three months now but I’m beginning to suspect his ex-girlfriend is still hanging around and making trouble, what can I do?

Signed – New and improved Zombie girlfriend

Answer:

Dear Not-Waiting-Until-the-Body-is-Cold,

Some Zombie chicks will not take no for an answer. It’s up to you to take her out on the premise of chatting over coffee and leave her in a Zombie hostile area. This way she can be dismembered by gangs of Zombie haters while you look like you tried to communicate your feelings in a rational way. Your boyfriend will thank you for it and you get to slide in to her formally warm spot in his pickup truck.  Now throw back a beer and burp the alphabet to fit in with his homies!

Love and kisses, Undead Fred

Question:

Dear Undead Fred,

I miss my ex-husband and want to get back together. I can’t remember where I buried him though.  Any thoughts on how to patch up this relationship?

Signed – Married and Buried

Answer:
Dear Ultimate Cling-on, 

Get the message. If he didn’t come back for you after the Zombie Apocalypse, he has moved on to a fresher Zombie than you. Chances are he is wandering the streets moaning your name but it is not for a reunion involving cuddles afterward. Head for the hills, Maggot Maggie, and take cover!

Love and kisses, Undead Fred

Question:
Dear Undead Fred,

Are flowers passé on a first date? I’m not talking any flowers, mind you, I’m thinking of the good ones that you can steal from the graveyard that will last longer than I will.

Signed - Flowers for Felix

Answer: 

Dear Romantic Devil,

Now is your chance to show a little style. Go for the good stuff, the ones they throw out in back of the warehouse stores on Thursdays. A little extra effort can go a long way toward getting the goodies. 

Love and kisses, Undead Fred

Question: 

Dear Undead Fred,
How do I keep my relationship from decomposing?

Signed –  Mixed-up teenage Zombie

Answer: 

Dear Annette, 

Some things were just meant to rot away. If you insist on pursuing a relationship that is based on moaning and rending, and not in a good way, you risk the chance of driving him away forever.  Most likely it will be into a vat of toxic waste so keep a close eye on him.

Love and kisses, Undead Fred

Question:

Dear Undead Fred,

When I’m getting close to a boy, I get excited and body parts just seem to fall off. It’s awkward to have to excuse myself to get a stapler. What can I do to stop this from happening?

From your friend, Stapelina

Answer:

Dear Office Supply Wench,
Take a pack of putty or in a pinch, Marzipan, with you whenever you go out on a date.  That way you will be prepared for nasty skin holes if his tongue pops your cheek through while kissing. If it happens more than once or twice, laugh it off and keep going. Make it a fun game to play until you have completely fallen apart. 

Love and kisses, Undead Fred

Question:

Dear Undead Fred,

Is it okay to double date if I actually like the girl my best friend is bringing and not the one I am taking to the movies? How do I dump my girl in order to get close to his?  And would they even notice?

Signed – Torn between two lovers

Answer: 

Dear Douchebag,

You really will be torn (apart) if your friend finds out you have been trying to bone his date, whether or not it’s your femur or rigor mortis. My advice is to back off from trying to be a playah and pay attention to the date you brought with you.  The girls may not know the difference if their eyesight is going but your best friend will if he finds her hand in your popcorn bucket.

Love and kisses, Undead Fred