Meet, don't eat

Being a lonely Zombie can be hard. The living have an abnormal tendency to run when they see you staggering toward them. This can hurt the feelings of a member of Hell’s Playthings so it’s natural to be a little wounded resulting in Zombie rage but don’t let it get the better of you. Turn that into a great opportunity to find the other Undead that may be looking for the perfect non-living mate: you. Explore the wealth of Zombie meeting opportunities that await you in yoga class - a limber Zombie is a happy Zombie – or religious services that don’t attempt to bury you right away.

What interests did you hold while still having a pulse?  Did you enjoy a good book?  Why not try the library where you can chat up a lovely young thing perusing the tomes.  It’s a great time to start a new book club and you have eternity to finish War and Peace.  As your brain starts to leak out of your ears, try to concentrate on easy readers from the Children’s section; it can help with basic repetitive sounds that you will come to excel at such as “aaaaaaaaaarrrrgh” and “nnnnnnnnnnnnuuuummpph.” 


Were you a whiz at sports?  A sporting goods store may hold some appeal as the opposite sex will invariably show up there for new shoes or stretchy bands to stave off snapping a tendon while running.  Hanging out in the bat or gun section should be avoided as they could get the wrong idea and have too easy an access to your demise. 

Rigor Mortis can really bind up a good time; yoga can help you stay flexible.  Staying limber is important to Zombie well being.  It helps to keep those muscles loose when the opportunity for a Feeding Frenzy presents itself.  Don’t be left behind by the horde just because you didn’t stretch out first.  Keep in shape by joining a gym.  Ask for their reduced rates since you no longer have a pulse.


Self-defense for the Undead is an excellent way to help you and your potential mate protect yourself from unwanted Zombie attackers.  Search for a qualified Zombie defense instructor in the Yellow Pages under ARRRRRRRRHGGGHHH.

When arriving on your date at the local community center, make sure you have everything listed including: loose clothing so you can roll, kick and gouge with ease; bucket helmet to protect against baseball bats and chainsaws, comfortable running or staggering shoes – depending on what stage of decay you are currently in, you may simply need shuffling shoes; and water as it is easy to become dehydrated as your body develops new holes.  Your instructor will go over the basic moves: Tiger Claw, Wax On – Wax Off, Tuck and Roll, menacing glares for the ladies and aggressive growling for each sex.  Take notes!  This may come in handy later if your date becomes foggy-headed in the future and decides to take you out after a night of wild Zombie lovin’.  It’s been known to happen.

The fun begins after class is finished.  Take your date to a nearby shopping mall and turn her loose in an REI or other sporting goods store.  Survivalist freaks hang out there waiting for a chance to show off their Zombie whooping skills and you and your date will make the most the your $20 you spent on lessons.  After destroying that shopping center and devouring the staff, move on to the next strip mall.  Where there is one, there is always another not far away; they breed like rats.