Personal ads used to be the bottom feeders of the social networking scale and they still are in many respects. Do you seriously expect to meet someone worth not biting in something you found advertised in back of Cosmo? However, now they have taken it uptown by infiltrating the sidebars on your websites, displaying models you never had a chance with with kittenish, pouty poses. After the tease, you visit their website to test the waters, finding a variety of Zombies waiting for your $.99 a minute call. If you do make it past the guardians at the gate who weed the weak, welcome to the human leftovers of society on the online dating circuit.
How can you cut down on disappointment while still getting your groove on online? Check these tips for a tip-off:
- Photographs: Avoid the members with burned edges, faces cut out of the men next to her, those wet with tears and anything featuring a cat. Zombies are rarely sentimental so if the cats look like they have been dressed up and not as a main course, you may have a Zombie poser on your hands.
- Looking your best with a touch of makeup is normal for these photographs but as the Undead, we all expect a little wear and tear. When taking your own photo, let your natural beauty shine through. A missing eyeball, snapped off fingers or gaping wound can only add character.
- Avoid props: Though tempting to pose with a recent kill, focus on your inner beauty instead with a smile or leer. You want a potential date to see you for who you are, not by the amount of crap you have stored in your garage.
- If someone looks like they are backing away, perhaps running from the camera, ask yourself, “Was this a victim action shot or are they playing hard to get?” If you do pursue this, will you be the only one in the sunset on the beach photos because they have sunk into the sand to avoid the picture? Or maybe they are just really really ugly.
- What does their expression tell you? Sexy and come hither or freshly dead and confused as to why their family is sticking a photo of them on a website for strangers? If they look at all animated, how long before the mobility is gone and you are stuck with Reanimated Adam?
- Appearance: Are they still wearing their burial suit? Did they at least brush off the dirt after clawing their way out? Neatness matters, people! Always give yourself a good dusting off before having a photo taken; you only have one chance to make a killer impression. Well, more than one in our case since we never die. Nevermind.
- Accurate description: Don’t waste time on how lovely your eyes look in the glare of a torch while being chased by hunters or how you used to have a swimmer’s body. Unless it’s still in the basement, leave that for later. Describe yourself now so they can identify you easily in future police lineups. Keep in mind that Zombies aren’t picky creatures so if you still have working limbs, you should get lucky in some respect. Even if it’s just as a chew toy for your new date’s puppy.
- Hobbies and interests: We have a lot of free time now with no other real interests other than killing and stalking human prey so feel free to make this section up. Go ahead; fill in all those awesome things you thought you would get around to while alive. Skydiving? Why not. Naked spearfishing? Oooh, be careful and apparently that water is cold.
- Talk a lot about yourself: Most personal ad writers make the mistake of whipping out a one-liner without thinking about the ramifications of their actions. If you are that quick in your ad, how quick are you in the sack? Take your time. Craft your ad as if your sex life depended on it. Make sure to proofread before hitting upload, there is nothing worse than a Zombie with typos.
- Adding humor: Everyone loves a good chuckle so why not sprinkle a little love in your ad and make it stand out from the rest? Know a good Zombie joke? Throw it in. How about a short story about the time you went fishing and ended up drowning because your boots filled up with water? Get descriptive with the way your body floated for days while the fish ate off your penis and nibbled your bloated, heavy carcass. Hilarity ensues.
- Dumb down your ads to reach a broader audience: I’m not saying to use little words with fewer syllables, okay, maybe I am. Your particular target group consists of corpses left rotting in the sun. What brain matter left over from happier days has most likely been oozing out of an ear for the better part of a month so take it easy on them.
- Wrap it up with what you are looking for in a mate: While dating a Zombie is the perfect one night stand due to the very real possibility he will be beheaded by overzealous Zombie hunters the next day, you should state if you are interested in something long-term, meaning longer than a week, or a quick roll in the hay. That will cut down on the selection process as half of your potential dates will think you are either a whore or a stalker.
