Speed Dating for Zombies

Speed and zombies may first seem like a misnomer but the two are not mutually exclusive. Speed dating can be fun, exciting and fairly lucrative to the clever living challenged individual. With options limited to your dating pool, Speed dating is also a last resort for zombie love before the lights go out and you are beheaded by an angry mob.

Start by checking local newspapers for Speed Dating sites if you cannot find them online. Many times they will be held at a bar or hotel conference room where the dimly lit rooms make everyone seem more attractive. When you register, remember to use a fun alias such as Undead Fred or Maggot Maggie so your dates will remember you right off the bat.

On the night of the Speed Dating love marathon, dress for success – meaning no ripped pants, shirt or spare head in a bucket. Ladies, men are no longer interested in your body, then only want your brains; try to remember current events so you can chat about what portion of the world has been decimated by the Zombie Apocalypse and how that effects your overall experience as one of Hell’s new playthings.

Bring a friend to the event as well. Feeding frenzies are always more fun in a group, so recruit your best friend to the Speed Dating event and perhaps they will get lucky too. Arrive together but do not stay in pairs, you will want to scope out the room for attractive and available zombie mates; if you remain together, they may think you are not ready to be alone with a murderous foul beast – yet. Better to come together and leave together than be stuck chatting over the tuna filled wraps made with warm mayonnaise and capers for the entire night. You could have stayed home and rented Twilight again and saved yourself the wear on new shoes.

As you take your seat at one of the tiny, cramped tables, show off your killer grin to those milling about. You may be smiling at your next victim or lover. After your arrival, you will be handed a flimsy scorecard in which to write down what you liked and didn’t like about a person you barely got to know in eight minutes. To keep things friendly and safe, no one is given each other’s contact information until the next day when the organizers can go through the scorecards and laugh at the total mismatches they have brought up. If there is a match, they will contact the lady with his information and let her make the first tentative step toward zombie everlasting happiness.

How to get ready for the eight-minute date:

·        Prepare a funny story ahead of time. Bring up an embarrassing anecdote about how your brother found you dancing with the hamster as a teenager. No need to expound on how you ate the offending rodent later, that spoils the surprise if things really go well for you both on a future date.

·        Zombie hygiene has its challenges. Take a quick trip to the rest room to check for missing bones or a last minute Spackle to really make your eyes shine. An extra swipe of deodorant is always appreciated at these events, zombies have a tendency to waft in a toxic spew of odor so setting yourself apart from those with a funky smell can bring the opposite sex of zombies straight to you, if they are still able to sniff anything at all as noses are one of the first exterior appendages to go.

·        Practice your laugh. Guttural groans are only appropriate in the bedroom or a late night down town crawl for zombie hookers. Before leaving your house or cardboard box, practice a carefree, lilting laugh or manly chuckle to make your eight-minute date feel comfortable around you.

·        Posture. I cannot repeat enough how important posture is for the walking dead. A slouch not only makes you look awful, it plays havoc on your reach as you shuffle toward you dinner. No one takes a sloppy zombie seriously, practice good posture on your date to show you have confidence in your zombie abilities. Ladies, if you are still wearing high heels that throw your weight forward and ass out, switch to flats. Not only are they more comfortable, you will be able to get better traction during the frenzy. Your date may not be able to wait long enough for you to switch shoes as his brain is already in happy meal mode so pack an extra pair of running shoes in your bag before your eight minute date if it flops over into the night. Proper posture for you is important as well, years of high heels and too tight dresses have thrown our backs out of alignment. With rot beginning to form in our spinal columns, it is easy to relax and let it go but we must be extra vigilant about becoming too heavy in front and not being able to support ourselves during the hunt.

While waiting for your eight minute dating extravaganza to begin, make eye contact with those around you and write down which zombie appeals most to you. When they arrive at your table, you will be able to remember them more easily than simple memory tricks like “he has all the fingers on his right hand” (a positive) or “pronounced limp – bad posture, do not date” (a negative). Since it’s a good bet your mind is devolving into a gel like substance, notes are a handy and effective backup system for good manners.

Finally, your date has arrived. You have a scant eight minutes to base a relationship on so don’t waste a minute of it staring at her chest. That comes later.

Focus on the high points:

  • Is she a thigh or breast person?
  • Do they like white meat or dark meat?
  • Were they once married and if so, how did it end? With knives, baseball bats or a simple stabbing and tearing motion with the fingers?
  • How accurate is she with running targets?
  • Is she still able to drive and if so, can you get a ride to the airport when the well of humans runs dry from your city?
  • Does she like to cuddle? Find out now before awkward moments after your date and you find yourself locked out of her apartment and your tiny zombie caught in the doorjamb.
Things are going well because of your preparation, aren’t they? Try to remember as much as you can and use the handy note system I discussed earlier. At the end of the eight minutes, thank your date and compliment them on their nicest feature: a smile, an attractive piece of jewelry perhaps they were buried with it so make a statement that shows you approve of her taste, or her lovely way with words if you can understand them. Mark down on your scorecard if you would like to see her again and let us be honest, you are that not picky at the moment since zombie ladies are thick and rotting on the ground. What made one more special than the rest, however? Sparkling eyes? Clean fingernails? Any fingernails? Keep that notebook handy so when or if she contacts you the next day, you will be able to remember her from the rest. If you’re lucky, you will have met more than one lovely lady zombie that night that will return your affection. Keep the phone handy and set to Zombie Love.

Speed dating is an excellent way for the undead to mingle. With limited time left on Earth, they take the guesswork out of dating and put you right in the middle of the best eight minutes of your life. And then the next best eight minutes of your life after that and on and on for about another twenty-three minutes. No phone calls the next day? Try your luck in the next town over; you will have the chance to tear up a new motel room on your way to meeting a special lady while sampling new flavors of townspeople. Spend an extra few days visiting the town beforehand so you can take her somewhere special.

How to react when a lady zombie calls from your Speed Dating adventure. Play it cool, no woman likes to think she has a loser zombie on her hands. A few well-timed grunts may be appropriate but move quickly to where you will meet again. Remember not to schedule two dates on the same night if you receive two or more phone calls from Speed Dating. No one wants a zombie playah or zombie Baby Daddy. Discuss where you two would like to meet and be on time with a small gift at the meeting place. Flowers, taken graveside or not, are always a nice touch.

On the off chance that you meet with your new love interest and she is not what you remembered from the Speed Dating event, remember that everyone dissolves at their own rate. Her face may have lost a bit of mobility and elasticity since the day you had met, but it is a great conversation opening so run with it and have fun!