When licking your lips could be deadly -- or a simple appetizer

We’ve all been there. Nervous, excited and doing our version of the pee pee dance, all humans living and dead can’t wait to get lucky. But how can you attract the sort of attention you deserve? What do you do when you see that lopsided, missing-limbed Zombie of your dreams? Breaking it down to its most basic levels, you flirt. Flirt your brains out. It’s the natural order of how a shy glance turns to a drunken hook up then to marriage, kids and a nasty divorce that was so bad, Lifetime Television for Women uses it as a cautionary tale.

Before the residual checks come flowing in, however, you need to snag the partner of your nightmares with a little recreational lip licking.

Smile: Though you may be worried about your lack of teeth or that part of your jaw has come loose after a freak femur biting accident, your smile can open the door to happiness. Many Zombies have a more lenient view of beauty, now that most of us have crossed over from “ugly” to “oh my god, it walks.” We realize our limitations but are making great strides to overcome what can be hurtful comments. A smile can shine through your dismal existence and show the real, special undead creature that you are. Be aware of the different types of smiles that can affect your dating potential:

  • Toothsome: Usually the domain of the rancid beauty queen, you can mimic her style by giving out a full force grin whenever a suitable zombie walks by. Be careful not to show too much rotted gum, this isn't a horse show.
  • Shy: A shy smile tells the world that you are not quite ready to be thrust into the limelight and may need a little coaxing. Keeping your eyes downcast can add a layer of mystery though so if you are trying to cover up a missing orb, go for the coy.
  • Sexy: Not for beginners. This smile can be carried off if you are willing to go the extra mile for a piece of meat. I mean at the Feeding Frenzy, of course. Start off with the shy, then move to toothsome then downshift into sexy with a side of lifted eyebrow. For some reason the opposite sex zombie loves the eyebrow, especially if it's still attached and not hanging down over your eyeball like a crazed caterpillar. Throw your body into this smile; you can’t hold anything back. Use this in combination with the hair flip and the leg-cross listed below. Men, skip the hair flip, you’ll just look silly.

When on the receiving end of a great smile, if they make eye contact with you more than three times, they may be interested. Or they spied the quesadilla menu above your head.

Then move onto:

Body language: This may be a tough one for the undead because of the breakdown our bodies are going through after death. You can’t control your swagger if your hipbone has popped through tissue paper thin skin and the muscles can no longer support your weight. However, you can use that to your advantage by scoring your grandmother’s old scooter. Doesn’t sound sexy? Guess who gets to the front of the line at the Human Buffet first? That's what I am talking about, playah.

You must be in control as much as possible with your movements. If you are out on the dance floor, your body gyrating to the beat and your arm becomes dislocated, be cool. Don’t flail around wildly trying to get the arm back in its socket. Invent a new dance move that incorporates the arm flopping around and run off to the bathroom later to pop it back in.

Men, if you observe a sexy zombie glancing your way, be aware of how your body reveals your interest. Crossing your arms over your chest, head lolling to one side on purpose and not because you have snapped your neck at some point in the evening and the occasional drool, can all send a message. Does it say, “I want to pursue a relationship that is meaningful and fulfilling with you” or does it say, “Help, I can't get my pants down in the john and need an extra pair of hands to get my willie out.”

Interpreting their signals can be equally as important. If they stare too long at your chin, is it because they are envisioning kissing it later or did they see stray kitten fur stuck to it from your rushed lunch hours before? Do they smile when they see you shuffle up to them at the bar or are they looking for a quick exit or bathroom window to climb out of? See how fast they move for their cell phone in the first five minutes. If their friends call repeatedly, they probably have it on loop to get them out of a sticky situation and you can only move on to the next helpless victim of your affection.

Red lips: On a woman, it can signify her readiness to mate by showing plump, soft, moist lips. On a man, it just means he forgot a napkin after the last Frenzy. Red is a natural attractant to the eye, even in our rotting state zombies are drawn to the color of blood like no other. Be careful when applying red lipstick or your first move on a date wearing the lipstick; it can be bad form to bite her face off until she knows you better.

Men, if you feel especially frisky, try licking your lower lip to make it appear shinier and more noticeable. Be careful of doing it too much as not to creep out the table of dudes sitting next to you.

Crossing and uncrossing your legs: Who knew that the simple act of dislodging a wedgie could be a turn on? Apparently most men. Ladies, many men are fascinated by stretching our limbs to relieve leg cramps so why not use that to your advantage? Depending on the rate of decomposition your body is in, this can be easy or more challenging due to loose limbs or Rigor Mortis. Try sitting at the bar for the best vantage point and dangle a shoe off your toe. If you aren’t as coordinated as while living, do some practice runs at home first so you aren’t tossing your shoe all over the bar. Then, after catching the eye of the devilishly handsome undead male across the room, give him a little leg peep and shoe droop to show off your zombie gams. Dead or not, men can’t resist an invitation that smells like feet.

Exposing the neck: The classic hair flip reveals a woman’s neck, one of the most delicate parts of her anatomy. Whether he can see the outlines of your halted blood flow in the veins against your mottled skin or the curve of your neck flowing into the slight tilt due to a sloshing brain, showing off your neck can pique a man’s interest in no time. If you are in a rough area, be aware that exposing your neck may be an invitation to be attacked later but if it is your thing, have a good time.

Stalking: Well, sort of. If you find someone attractive, start mimicking their mannerisms to the point of being creepy. They may get a restraining order against you but they will be secretly pleased you took the time to learn their funny traits such as how they reach for their gun whenever you get too close or how they skip every fourth step while chasing their prey due to a being pigeon-toed. Nothing says, “I want to be with you” than being just like them. In every way.

Be a good listener: Ladies, it doesn’t matter if you lost your earlobes last week, you still have a workable hole in your head that allows your new date to ramble on about sports or beer. Nod appreciatively when they make stupid jokes about trampolines and girls in bikinis even when you want to drown him in his own vomit. Soon enough, you will force him to hear you talk about important things like shoes and kitten pictures on the Internet.


How to move in for the kill: Since most of your gnawing and ripping of flesh will come later, concentrate now on getting them to agree to meet you in the daylight. Don’t be too forward in asking for their number. Subtlety isn’t a strong suit for zombies but don’t demand to be put into their iPhone immediately or worse, grabbing a permanent ink pen and writing your phone number on her forehead. 

Tip: Zombies are not that bright, so writing the number on her head will force her to use a mirror to call you. Since the numbers are backwards in the mirror, she may end up dating the guy who delivers Chinese food on his bike instead of you.