Zombie Lovin': How to tell if it's Rigor Mortis or something more festive
Zombie love presents a unique challenge in getting busy. Due to the various rates of decay and body parts falling off at inopportune times, getting your groove on with you date can prove more of an obstacle course and requires greater flexibility and creativity than you probably used in your former life among the humans. Now faced with the reality that your loved one will be attacked and beheaded by mobs of angry humans, you need to concentrate on quantity and not necessarily quality of your time together before they get a little too slow and becomes a hindrance that you need to leave behind for your own safety.
Within these challenges, there is the ultimate pay-off of a life filled with happiness or at least less madness as your brains turns to grape jelly, as you stumble through the nights together. How then can you keep the fire alive when constantly faced with destruction and dismemberment?
Within these challenges, there is the ultimate pay-off of a life filled with happiness or at least less madness as your brains turns to grape jelly, as you stumble through the nights together. How then can you keep the fire alive when constantly faced with destruction and dismemberment?
- Focus on the “now.” Forget worrying about how much it will wound you when they are chopped to bits in front of you by crazed 7-11 shoppers when you stop in for a Slurpee. They don’t understand the needs of the Zombie, when only a Pina Colada with a shot of frozen cherry cola will do to slake the thirst between Feeding Frenzies. Instead, create memories that will carry you through until the next Zombie comes along. We all know our time here will either be cut short or will drag on for eternity, so take lots of fun snapshots of you together doing typical Zombie things like snacking on short people and saving the tall ones for holiday meals. If you are crafty, start a scrapbook and save mementos of your time together. We know it will turn into a gluey piece of crap eventually and the pages will stick together but those bits of bones and concert tickets will always be a fun reminder of the happy days.
- Make each moment special: Remember the first time you saw them across the Feeding Frenzy? That raw, animal magnetism that drew you to them like a Zombie to the intestines? He was so cute with those brains falling out of the hole in his cheek as he ripped apart a woman. You could tell that those two were over by the way he was moving on; there could be little competition for his affection after that. Those butterflies in your stomach weren’t just the maggots getting all giggly, those were the severed nerve endings of your heart, my friend, and they made you feel for one moment, alive and ready to howl. Whenever this disgusting half-life of terror starts getting you down, think back to how he made you feel in those first fleeting moments and give yourself a loud Zombie yell to express yourself better. It may scare the neighbors but you were planning on eating them that weekend any way, so why start mending fences now?
Now that the awkwardness is over between you two and he has seen the way you tuck your purse into your chest cavity so you can move faster at the Frenzy and thinks it’s adorable or you’ve shared with her the lucky foot you carry along that belonged to your mother, moving on to more … personal issues may be addressed.
Ladies: Is it Rigor Mortis or does he really really like you? Zombie males are no different from their breathing counterparts; they’re just more direct with the pointing and the grunting. Then again, I can name at least five Lacrosse college teams that do the same thing so that rule kind of goes out the window.
- Is he making plans on having you meet his mother and she is stuffed in the truck of his car?
- Does he gently caress your cheek or hair or pull it and make caveman noises?
- Does your Zombie male want to take it slowly, get to know each other and move on at a respectable pace.
- Does he want to meet your pets and if so, does he try to eat them when you are not looking?
- Will he go shoe shopping with you without complaining about missing the game?
- Does he expect you to do his shopping, laundry or take his brother to the airport? If yes, you are already married.
- Will he leave you sweet love notes tucked under your door? Write you a song with terrible lyrics rhyming with “Zombie”?
- How about meeting your friends? Has he tried to hit on them? Literally? Zombie males are not good about competition; it may be wise to separate him from your friends if there is a lot of pointing and laughing going on on their part.
If the answer to any of the above is yes, you can bet he is a normal, healthy male with one thing on his mind and it ain’t brains. Proceed with caution and wear a helmet, Zombie love can get messy.
Men: How can you be sure she’s not just using you for your extraordinarily long lasting Zombie love machine? Shut up. What do you care? If, however, you’re the tender, sensitive type, here are some signs that she may be into you for more than your brilliant mind.
- She brings her friends along to giggle when you say “Zombie Apocalypse.”
- Her love notes start with, “Dear Zombie love god…”
- Her friends give you the eye, then their other eye with knowing grins.
Jealousy may rears its ugly head whenever you two are out in public. Feeding Frenzies take on a dangerous new element if she catches you flirting with any other Undead female within swatting distance. Be careful of this type of Zombie female, she doesn’t like to share and may take your "love machine" home as a souvenir if she gets suspicious of you cheating on her. Make sure you pay her special attention, compliment the way her inhuman shrieking causes pain to the other Zombies with its deafening wail or how cute she looks modeling someone else’s head as a hat. It’s the little things that add up to the all-consuming love that Zombies can share. And by all consuming, I do mean down to the last bits of bone and gristle.
As you move on to your exciting new phase of your relationship, remember that the better prepared you are to deal with death’s little foibles, the more likely you are to survive her post traumatic meltdowns when the Coach outlet store sells out of her favorite Hobo purse and she had a coupon. Roll with the punches and let her have her way as much as possible, make the transition from mouth breather to half-alive putrid mess of dripping flesh and splintered bone an easier one on her. If she knows you still love her after an eyeball pops out and rolls across the table and you don’t eat it, you two can face the nightmare together. Or at least until the crows pick her face off and the dogs carry off her liver. Because, isn’t that what romance is all about?
