Men or very butch women:
- Bad boys: A perennial favorite of the ladies, most women can’t
resist the allure of a man smelling faintly of lighter fluid and reeking
of bad attitude. You drink in excess, have an art display on your butt
that would make the Metropolitan Museum of Art weep in shame, are willing
to belch out an aria and are on a first name basis with most of the serial
killers in your area. After your untimely death due to Sue Ann’s husband
and the business end of a shovel over your head, you came back to life at
the request of a drunken two-bit whore who needed diaper money for your
baby. After rolling you in the alley once you were reanimated, she left
you for dead (again) and walked off with your heart. You have been bruised
in the dicey arena of romance but are willing to try again now that you
have seen the tender side of love.
Although keeping your temper in check was on the shady side for you while alive, as a Zombie it doesn’t suit you quite well. Take that anger at the world and show them who’s boss but let your gentle side take over when with the women.
Locate your perfect Zombie girl at any bar or Dunkin’ Donuts after 1am. She will be easy to find either digging through the dumpster out back, hissing at drunks for feeling her up on their way out the door or getting a new tattoo reading “No one gives head like the Undead.” Classy, no?
- Find yourself lusting after the ball instead of the brains? In your
former life, you may have been a jock – or just gay. Channel that
determination to dominate the gridiron to something more comely, say, the
sweet Zombie girl next to you. If showing off your muscles doesn’t do it
for her, I’m sure the letterman jacket you are still dragging around will
perk up her interest. Okay, maybe not. Try some tried and true methods to
get her attention: mentioning how you single-handedly won the tri-state
championships in both basketball and football while you rested up from
your groin injury in hockey. She will be both impressed and repulsed. Show
off some scars earned from multiple surgeries after you tore your rotator
cuff in the Big Game and needed a stretcher to get you home but since you
were so manly, you played the rest of the game then walked home and built
your mom a birdhouse.
- Perhaps you’re the quiet, sensitive type. The one that keeps his
feelings to himself and only expresses his loneliest desires in poetry or
creepy interpretive dance. You, my friend, are the Zombie lover who plucks
the stars tied in scarlet ribbons from the evening sky to hand to your
beloved. As a Zombie they most likely resemble someone’s eyeballs crudely
tied in their still pulsating blood covered intestines but it can work for
Look for a woman who will appreciate your unique worldview of art and romance. It may be more difficult to find her as many of the Undead have left their comprehension of the finer things laying in a gutter when they dropped to the ground, writing in pain from the Zombie infection. Don’t judge them harshly, as their diseased brains rot quickly; be there to help guide her through the more refined arts of music and literature. You two can spend evenings writing love letters to yourselves to exchange at your parting. If you can decipher her handwriting, you get bonus points. Anything further than an “uuuhhnnn” means she would like to see you again so rejoice and break into a wine cellar to choose a sassy vintage for your next date.
You may have found it difficult to get your feelings across before you took the dirt nap. As the Walking Dead it gets a bit easier. Zombie women have no expectations. If you don’t try to attack her before the appetizer, you’re already on her “yes” list to see again.
- Have a rough side of you that only the law could tame? Your playah
days are over, amigo. Now that most of your brain could fit into a Slurpee
cup, your status as hip has been flushed. Ever see a Gangster Zombie at
the movies? I didn’t think so. That’s because their baby mamas have better
sense than to let their man’s junk get infected by trashy Zombies. If you
are on the prowl for a new girl, make sure you get the okay from the baby
mama first; no Zombie can fight that crap and win.
- Geeks. Boy, we saw you coming, didn’t we? Long the real rulers of
the universe, you were the idiots who developed the infection to create
Zombies in the first place. Didn’t you think ahead to what would happen
after you reanimated your dead girlfriend and she bit you? No wonder she
won’t return your calls.
Your perfect match is an understanding Zombie who really really likes Star Wars and understands the complexity of Lord of the Rings and why that stupid ring caused so much fuss. Look for her in the vacant teen angst aisle next to the old stacks of vampire books with “that” look in her eye. It’s either love or insanity. I would go with the insanity and make your move.
- More redneck than dead neck? They weren’t kidding when they said
the South would rise again! A pair of good old boys can certainly do some
damage and the ladies will never be the same again. There is something
about that smooth charm that makes women, Zombies or living, unable to
resist. Must be the drawl, though half of the time you can’t tell if it’s
Zombie moans or if it’s their normal speaking voice. Since alcohol,
driving fast and shooting at signs were favorite pastimes while alive,
look for your mate at the local convenience store trying to smuggle beer
in her bra. She’ll be the one with the beer hat still attached to her
skull from her unfortunate accident during football season when she fell
off the bleachers backwards and impaled herself on a deer some jerk left
tied to the hood of his truck. That was yours? Oops. My bad.
A word of caution on dating a redneck chick. Both Undead and living are prone to abnormal fits of temper and it’s hard to distinguish between Zombie rage and premenstrual syndrome. Keep your own gun locked and loaded for any emergencies or you may find your nether regions blown off over a missing pack of Twinkies.