Pulling a groin muscle as a Zombie isn’t as much fun as when you were among the Living. Nothing bounces back quite as quickly in our decomposing state and Zombies are left with floppy, unattractive muscle tissue that makes chasing after Humans and potential dates more embarrassing than the time when your best friend walked into a nest of Zombie Hunters after being promised a Bucket o’Thumbs. Anyone could have seen that one coming.
As our bodies slowly turn to goo and we’re faced with the inconvenient reality of Undead Maintenance, Zombie yoga may provide a way to calm the infected brain as well as keep those tricky tendons in place while scaling walls after prey. These simple exercises will keep any Zombie ready for shambling action when a dating – or feeding – presents itself.
Plow Pose: Good for farmers or just a fancy way of saying,
“Hello, my name is Desperate.”
“Hello, my name is Desperate.”
Take a deep breath. Okay, deeper still since your punctured lungs whistles a little bit and it’s harder to keep up with the rest of the class.
- Fall to the floor and roll to your back
- Using whatever stomach muscles you have left, hoist the legs up and over your head until you manage to stick your foot into your yoga partner’s special place.
- Scoot yourself away and hold legs over your head, with toes touching the floor, until you pass out from the resulting compressed lung.
Low Lunge: Because anything with the word “Lunge” in it has to be good.
- Snap up from the snort-inducing Downward Facing Dog and throw your right foot between your hands, bringing it into position between your face and the floor so you can catch yourself before smacking into the linoleum and breaking a tooth.
- Shimmy the left leg back until you hear the “pop” of your hip displacing, then you know you have the correct position.
- While looking forward, there’s no use fretting about that hip now, throw your hands in the air and shake’em like you just don’t care, hands together and pointed to the sky. Go ahead, pretend you’re Luke Skywalker and shoot the Wookie. We all do. Pittheww Pitthewwwwww
Full Boat Pose: When a half-boat won’t do.
Feeling a bit cramped in your cardboard box behind the Piggly Wiggly? The Full Boat pose can help you fold yourself into more comfortable position while firming those abs.
- Sit on the floor with your feet straight in front of you. If the foot wanders to the left, bring that bad boy back in line. Lean back just a bit and try not to tip over. Drunk Zombies are another chapter entirely. Balance your bulk on the two tiny ass bones you couldn’t find on yourself while alive yet yogis swear they’re under years of Devil Dogs.
- Bend your knees, raising your feet off the floor and pull your tummy in tight so you don’t roll back and embarrass your parents further by showing off your goodies to the neighborhood. The prom was a special occasion – we’ve moved on.
- Stretch your arms toward your feet parallel to the floor while holding this position. Don’t wave them around while cursing… nevermind. This Love Boat has sailed.
Corpse Pose: Looks like my typical Saturday night.