Now that you have entered the dating realm of the undead, however, it helps to learn a little about yourself and what types of zombie boys would click well with the new and slightly decaying you. Which stereotype do you fall into?
- Too damn peppy: You can tell these women by the slug marks on their faces as they walk by you, someone has gotten to them first but they still keep on being annoying in the hopes that they too with brighten your day with their passive-aggressive chatter on how much they love their: kids, pets, husband, cars, PTA meetings, yoga, coffee, wine, neighbor’s hot husband, etc. All the while sizing you up from your hair to your bra size and finding you lacking while they feel superior inside. Most often found in the mean streets of suburbia, they tend to travel in packs and let their brats roam the coffee houses writing on people’s take away cups and being a general nuisance. Too busy to be bothered with real childrearing, they have no problem whipping out the newest version of a phone to show you countless photos of their last vacation where they passed out on the beach drunk from cheap wine and giving you stories of their fling with a pool boy in agonizing detail. Desperate and lonely, these women are usually not peppy – they’re drunk.
- Was life a never-ending party for you? Filled with booze, drugs and questionable amounts of men? Depending on your past habits, this may not look so different to you as to other newly zombified women, you may have only recently discovered your freshly pickled state after years of abuse but you can make it work for you!
First, check yourself for any new tattoos. Anything that you didn’t leave the other world with is probably a good indicator of what happened to you. If you see tire tracks or something on your back reading “This end up,” you could be looking at clues as to how you got to this state. Since you have forever on your hands, go ahead and track down those persons responsible and make them pay. Otherwise, party on!
Your perfect match would be someone who could keep up with your never-ending parade of bad choices. Do you look for balance in a relationship or just someone who does not mind getting puked on after a night out? Stability was never a strong point with you, in this decayed post life you will fit right in as zombies “live” in the moment. Try finding your mate outside a rehab center or troll the bars at closing time. I am sure they would love to see you again.
- Shy and a bit on the awkward side before taking charge of your afterlife as a Hell’s Plaything? No more, sister friend, being a zombie was the best life choice you could have made. Even before the infection sucked the brains right out of you and destroyed your perfect skin, leaving you a horrid mess and frightening your cats, you yearned to break free and be the freewheeling woman you had read about in your books. Now, fully able to realize the potential of being a zombie female, you can act on all the terrible fantasies you have been harboring for years.
Before searching for your perfect mate, go out and settle a few scores to build your confidence. Hated the cheerleader? Ambush her and her little friends as they fail at the pyramid for another week. How about those girls in English, period seven? When they go out for a smoke break, break a few legs. Just sayin’. How about the women who leave you out at lunch and you are forced to eat another peanut butter and jelly sandwich alone at your desk while they booze it up at the bar and complain about the salad dressing? Wait. You may want to leave them; they are already in enough of a Hell as it is. After you have disposed of those losers, then you can focus on the real issue, yourself as a new zombie princess. Don those elfish ears and find your zombie geek mate!
- Does your idea of fun involve rocking the business end of a glue gun? How about crocheting an entire village from cat hair? If your hovel is covered in crap that looks like Michael’s Craft Store vomited in your lap, you may be a little on the crafty obsessive side. Just how many ways can you hot glue buttons on to a chair? Really, step away from the gun.
Find thing right mate for you may take a little more imagination that for the rest of the zombie girls though you could always make him yourself out of festive scraps of fabric and a little stiffener. If you really have your heart set on someone who can match you knitting needle to knitting needle, however, look for him in the man’s version of Michael’s, the hardware store or Home Depot. He will be the one discussing the subtle nuances of Allen wrenches and pipe fittings. With both of you busy on your little projects, your house will become a cozy depository for all the cast off junk you can score from garbage day in your neighborhood. With luck, he will be able to expand your home to the back, becoming a health hazard to be proud of and reviled by your neighbors.
Impress your new dates with your collection of stuffed road kill, only you would think of dressing them as Night of the Living Dead characters! Be careful of posing them, however, limbs break off too easily.
- Nine-to-five Nancy: Your life was planned out in excruciating detail in the slick leather planner you stuffed to the gills with business cards of people you barely knew but somehow thought that you would get back to one day, and coupons for Botox shots. Every business lunch was followed up with an email detailing what you had discussed over martinis because you were the only one anal enough to bring a digital voice recorder to your lunch meeting and it was up to you to go over the minutes before people ran off and had lives again. You, my friend, were the epitome of the working stiff – you were a zombie before that infected sushi even entered your system.
However, you can make this work for you! Being always in charge has helped you in your climb to the top of the corporate ladder; now use those same flesh-eating skills to get you to the top of the food chain. Zombies are a notoriously hard group of bodies to coordinate and form a cohesive group since their brain matter is in varying degrees of decay and rot. So by using your innate abilities to divide people from those they work best with and undermine any true talent you come across, you are able to keep them miserable in true undead fashion. Congratulations, you have found your calling!
Your perfect zombie mate will either have the self-confidence of a doormat so you can walk all over him or he will be the dominant alpha undead male in his group of friends, demonstrated by his ability to piss the farthest in a group setting. You two can spend your evenings planning the next feeding frenzy and roping off areas for those who are truly “of your kind” and those of the unwashed masses – which pretty much includes all of zombiekind except you two.
