Sketchy advice from Undead Fred

Dear Undead Fred: 
How long can I wait before digging up the body of my former girlfriend? A man can only hold back is “feelings” for so long, you know.

Signed – Hell’s Horny Helper 

Dear Freak:
These are the types of questions that make me want to vomit a little in my mouth. Wait until the girl has ripened a little bit before you go out and be all manly on her corpse. Some girls dig the strong, aggressive type but most just want to rot in piece (or pieces). Wait until she comes to you so you can avoid lawyer fees later.

Love and kisses, Undead Fred

Dear Undead Fred: 
When telling someone you want to keep a piece of them close to your for during those times apart....is it better to take their ear or a different body part?

Signed – I’m watching you from outside your window and don't you look pretty?

Dear Stalker:
Thank you for the compliment, let me just close my blinds now for a minute. Now, back to the answer. The fun part of being a zombie lover is the ability to send a little something to your loved ones. It can be up to you which part would mean the most: an eyeball, fingertip or part of your clavicle but it may mean more to them if you let them choose. After all, when traveling life’s lonely highways, you need to pack light. I would suggest an extra thumb if they are hitchhiking, it is a thoughtful gift and one that keeps on giving.

Love and kisses, Undead Fred

Dear Undead Fred: 
Is it okay to double date if I actually like the girl my best friend is bringing and not the one I am taking to the movies? How do I dump my girl in order to get close to his? And would they even notice?

Signed – Torn between two lovers

Dear Douchebag:
You really will be torn (apart) if your friend finds out you have been trying to bone his date, whether or not it is your femur or just rigor mortis. My advice is to back off from trying to be a playah and pay attention to the date you have brought with you. The girls may not know the difference if their eyesight is going but your best friend will if he finds her hand in your popcorn bucket.

Love and kisses, Undead Fred